Bad Restaurant – Fantastic Undergrad Humour

We went to try a popular restaurant in the area …. ever since Kid#1 has grown up, our choices of places to eat out depends on the quality and prices of the liquor served and the snacks.  We can totally do a drinks and snacks thing – giving regular food a miss.  I have been doing the abandoned mother act rather well, I totally overloaded my kids on guilt (insert evil mother smile) so they took me out for this dinner.

The restaurant was okay as far as ambience and booze n food go – pricey but okay.  What I did not like was the music – loud and dhinchak.  Why oh why do places play loud Himesh Reshammiya and such like music.  Chadhti bhi nahin …. sigh!  Kid#2 started playing sms-sms with some one – Damn the network providers and their free sms schemes.   Kid#1 and DIL started whispering stuff to each other (awwww) and I started eavesdropping on some undergraduate kids on a table close to ours – their conversation was crazy

UG1 : Why does it feel as though I’ve come to a Wedding

UG2 : Nah Its not a wedding, can’t see any bride or groom.  And where are the uncles and aunties?

UG1 : Uhhhh such a sad joke …

UG2 : (Nudging the other and looking at a particularly depressed looking couple) Bride ke Papa Mummy lagte hain

UG1 : Kahan?  Oh okay … arrey haan, and those (indicating an overweight and jolly looking family) are the groom’s side – dahej mil raha hai bhai, lots of it!

After that they both got busy ordering beers and checking all the other tables, eyeing the PYTs in the place.  After about ten minutes or so the conversation started again ….

UG2 : You know what, I think that chick really likes me.  She is checking me out

UG1 : You know what, I think tu zyada dimag laga raha hai.  Get your eyes tested

UG2 : Abby nahin yaar – just wait, she’ll look at me again

UG1 : Haan when we get up, she’ll follow us to the hostel too.  (Humming the Hutch song) You and I in this beautiful world …….

UG2 : C’mon yaar, I’m serious

UG1 : Abby haan yaar, uske bhai bhi tereko dekh rahe hain, hahahahhaha.  I would run away fast, if I were you hahahahahaha, Kat le tu, kat le

UG2 : I’m not scared haan

UG1 : Haan tu toh hero hai, pakka superman.  I better go home. Tu ne to bachna nahin

UG2 : Haan run away, run away – but pay your bill before you go. Huh baat karta hai …..

UG1 : Haan chal bhai, Good to know you, accha aadmi tha …..

Wish I could have eavesdropped more – but at this point I found the whole family giving me icy cold glares – since I was chuckling into my drink

Thanks boys for the entertainment you provided

Cheers!!!

Male – speak

This one comes from years of experience raising two boys but the catalyst for this post was a friend I was chatting with yesterday.  He has built his business from scratch and actually employs people to do work.  I am totally in awe of such a feat.  I asked him “Hey, Wassup?” and the answer was “Nothing”.  I dont own a business and I dont employ people and send them all over the place to deliver and install hi tech stuff, and still manage to have lots to talk about.  What is Nothing anyway.  My boys would chatter like magpies till they reached the age of 8 and onwards.  Then prying information about their day, school etc was like as though I was Momma Cop and information divulged would be used to incriminate them and might even get them arrested. Hmmm maybe that was it …….

Men speak a different language, that’s for sure

I broke up with her	She dumped me
I cant find it	It did not fall into my outstretched hands so I don’t know where the hell it is
Can I help with dinner	I am starving
I know exactly where we are	We are lost and I am not going to ask for directions
I don’t need to read the manual	I can mess it up completely on my own
I think we should be friends	You’re ugly/fat/both
It’s a Guy thing	I don’t know why I feel so, but won’t admit that its totally illogical and irrational
Mom/Honey I bought you flowers	I am going for a stag party tonight and this is a bribe so that you don’t make me sleep on the couch when I get back
Mom/Honey I bought you flowers	The babe selling them was hot
It’s a really good movie	Its got guns, knives, fast cars, hot babes
Nice dress	Nice cleavage
Let’s talk	I’m trying to impress you with my sensitive side because I want to have sex with you
What do you mean, you need new clothes	I hate shopping
Yes, that one is nice	Why do you ask me this always when you’re shopping,  You are not going to listen to me any way
You look fabulous	Oh please for Godsakes, take this one.  I am starving and tired
That one looks good one you	Pick any one and lets get out of here
I missed you	The house is a mess, I cant cook and am out of money, I cant find any thing
I bought you a present	It came free with my beer
I’ll call you	Next
I had her	In my dreams
Mom/Honey, Do you really love me?	I did something stupid and you’re going to find out soon
Mom/Honey, Do you really love me?	I maxed out the credit card and the bill is due

 

To go …. alone!

I’ve written a whole lot about Kid#1 and his little wife my DIL but have relatively kept Kid#2 out of blogosphere uptil now. There was a reason for that – he is sneaky and gets everywhere. I mean e v e r y w h e r e.  I can not feel safe and I am sure he will “stumble upon” my blog or may be he has.

As parents to growing up children you can sympathise with me on this one. Every one knows that once kids are born, ME time goes. Kid#1 cottoned on very early to the fact that when Mom went to the loo, one did not barge in, unless one wanted to be confronted by a raging demented female desperately trying to hold on to her bladder and the tatters of her privacy and dignity. Kid#2 refused to understand that simple fact. Even when I made this poster and hung it on the door of the loo

Toilet… the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its life time mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before………… ALONE!!!!

Yeah I tried. It was a long long time before it worked. Finally he decided that he had had his fun out of baiting me and he gave up. Sigh!! The loo thingy is back again with different faces. I wake up in the morning and have to go, and it’s a parade. The dogs somehow realize that I am going to go and race in before I get to the throne, and are eagerly waiting for me to sit. I don’t get it. Why? What do boys and dogs get out of seeing their mother in the bathroom?

When I was toilet training Kid#2, I would applaud when he would get it right – he had gone potty on the potty. Yayyyyy. It backfired pretty badly on me. There was a KFC for a short while in New Friends Colony. I went there once and never again, because my Kid#2 applauded me for going su on the potty. It was early – about 11.30 in the morning and there was hardly any customer, so the place was quiet and that high pitched voice of my infant OMG! Needless to say the staff was in splits! Put me off Kentucky Fried Chicken forever.

I think I will have to be about 70 before I get my “Me” time in the loo. May be – or may be there will be a nurse with a bed pan applauding me for going su on the bed pan!!! Gaah!!

Of spell-check and fantasy

In the good old days of yester years, my parents used to spell out things so that us lesser beings would not comprehend. Otherwise they used massive words. That worked out well in the end any way since my spellings are excellent and I have a massive massive vocabulary. That is quite understandable if you had parents who would say “Shall we pause to deliberate on the reactions of juniors if we procure tickets for the latest entertainment on celluloid?” Well, that was my Dad. Thanks to him I figured out what copulation meant long before I should have. It is also thanks to him that I chose English Literature as my chosen subject for graduation and post graduation. Mom did not have such a huge vocabulary, so she would spell stuff like I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M and M-O-V-I-E.

I opted for a more creative style. The parents and in-laws used to frown heavily on drinking, so when I caught Kid #1 raising his glass of milk up and saying Cheers with a happy smile, I gently corrected him and said “Cheers nahin, Kursiyan” and of course Gin would never be gin, it would be accompanied with its cousins Bhoot and Pret. So it would be, Papa Loves Ber but Mama likes Gin, Bhoot and Pret. Don’t knock it, it actually worked for a while. If we needed some alone time, I would put them to bed with a lovely story about how the poor stars were being overshadowed by the moon, and so were tired. They needed the boys to go sleep with their grandmother while they rested. Mom and Dad would ensure that the stars got enough sleep. I know, terribly lame, but hey, it worked and we got a kid-free evening .

Of course, when Kid#2 came along, the stories got more fantastic and full of extra terrestrials and universal wars. They grew older and so did the tales. Now Kid#1 is training to be a pilot, though in his imagination, he’s flying a spaceship …… Kid#2 has just got into engineering and wants to be a researcher …. Bio-bombs anyone??

It is also the reason why both the boys love anime and have taught themselves enough Japanese to follow all the fantastic plots that their latest purple/pink haired TV playmates live in. AXN ki Jai Ho

My morning dose of reality check

No one can humiliate us as thoroughly and completely as our kids, the sweet little m…f..s. When Kid #2 was just a teeny weeny baby, he was spending quality time with my ex one summer afternoon. Ex was lying on his back and the boy was perched on his paunch tummy.

Ex What do you want to do when you grow up?

Kid #2 Become big and strong

Ex (Patronisingly) Okay ….. To do what?

Kid#2 Stuff

Ex Like????

Kid#2 Pick up a big stone and bash your head in to kill you

Ex Cough !!!! Splutter!!! Why????

Kid #2 Smiling angelically – Then I can marry Momma, that is why.

Kids!!!!! Gotta love the m… f…..s!!!

Recently we were going through some photos we had taken on a family outing. I looked at a photo of myself critically and said

“Oh my God, I hate this one. I look old and a mess in it”

Kid #2 looks at it and says “Oh its okay. Why do you hate it”.

“Because I look old and shrivelled like a raisin, that is why” I complained.

“No Ma, you never look like a raisin” came the reply, “You look like a overripe mango, kind of soft and gooey all over”

My shock must have shown because he tried to make amends by adding

“You’re just as sweet too!!!”

Oh yeah whatever ….. admitted that parts of me are droopy jiggle and parts of me are fat more ample than they ought to be – but just dont point that out to me before my morning cuppa tea okay …. definitely not nice.