A feel good, romantic myth

My father was a very indulgent husband and a cool parent.  He married my mother when she was barely sixteen and was often known to remark that he brought up three kids.  He always added Jee to her name and addressed her as Tussi or Aap.  Karva Chauth was big in our home.  Two weeks to D-day he took Mom shopping and bought her new clothes, a day earlier, matching bangles and trinkets etc were purchased.  He would wake up early and have sargi (breakfast before sunrise) with Mom.  On that day, we were told to curb our energies and tip toe around because Mom was fasting.  He would come back early from office and depute us on roofs and trees to keep a watch and holler when moon was sighted so that Mom could break her fast.  Sigh!  It was sooooo romantic.

Naturally I also kept the Karva Chauth.  And naturally it did not go too well for me.  I just dont have that kind of luck you see.  During my harmonious freakingly stormy wedded life, there were wars, and there were short intervals of I’m too tired to fight uneasy breathers.  We had a biggggg fight on one Karva Chauth when ex said something majorly caustic and rushed out to work.  He is King of Sarcasm.  I totally lost it.  In retrospect, I think it was because I could not top that one as he had left.  It was so frustrating, you know.  I could think of a dozen things to say which could top his lines, but he had effin left!!!  I did not want to keep the fast for him.  In fact I felt majorly martyrd by the entire concept of being hungry and thirsty for the entire day.  I had cooked a sumptious feast for the sargi which was still lying on the dining table.  So I sat down and ate.  I was not hungry (I had already eaten sargi)  but I ate the paranthas, the sewian, the gulab jamuns even though I felt sick.  Yes I am a spiteful cat if you rub me the wrong way. 

Stop pretending to be shocked, its all a myth okay.  Nothing bad happened to him.  He is still alive and healthy, and being tiresome.  It takes more than a couple of aloo paranthas eaten by an angry wife on Karva Chauth to kill a person.

Stop laughing!!!

DIL asked me the first year of her marriage about what to do for Karva Chauth and I told her “Beta keep it for one year, after that, if you dont want to, dont.  Doll up, apply mehendi, pamper yourself.  The fast is optional” and I told her this tale of mine.  She found it insane and repeated the damn thing to her mother and sister.  I know I know, I shouldnt have told her!   Her mother told me, “Both you and my daughter have the same nature”.  Ah well, I have decided to take that as a compliment.

She looked lovely all decked up last year (It was her first Karva Chauth) and has just informed me that she wants to keep it again this year. Awwwwww, sooo romantic.  I am so happy that she is keeping it for her own sentiments and out of her own free will.  Of course I am also so happy that I dont have to keep it.

Edited to add: Both the lovebirds are keeping the fast – for each other.  I am so impressed!

No one takes me seriously … sigh!

Let me give you a folk story from North West India …..

In a remote village, a bossy woman lived with her daughter-in-law. Although her son and husband lived with them too, it’s she who held sway over the entire family. One person who was always on her radar was the daughter-in-law. Like most mothers-in-law she used to point out flaws in almost everything her daughter-in-law did. As this woman took her role so seriously this reforming activity fast became a habit. The habit brought in her the ingenuity to find faults where they were none.  Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

One day while her daughter-in-law was preparing dough for the rotis (bread made out of wheat flour), to be cooked for the dinner, she stared at her rather furiously. When the daughter-in-law reacted with a questioning expression, pat came her reply—why do you move so much while making the dough?

Now I am sure it sounds familiar

Such absolute power.  Not one daughter in law could afford to ignore that mother in law.

I got this lovely invite in the mail

I sent it promptly to the DIL (in my defence I sent it to a whole lot of people including her)

She promptly rings me up from her work place and cant speak because she’s laughing her guts out. 

“Mom, trying to become a regular mother-in-law like Lalita Pawar are you?  You can’t so forget it”

Humph!  No one takes me seriously. Sigh ……………………..

It’s all in day’s work

6:30 am, wake up, curse the effin’ mobile which sings happily “Dil kabhi ganda, kabhi hai nek banda”, fall out of bed, walk into the bathroom door, groan, walk into various fixtures cursing a blue streak and then open eyes, look at my own reflection, (OMG I look like a hag) groan, close eyes, wash face and then feeling kind of awake, open bed room door, stumble over sleeping dogs, walk into kitchen, start breakfast and lunch, open door to let the dogs out, wake up live in servant …….. Good Morning NCR   

7 am, live in help takes over kitchen and I go back into the room, start doing various exercises (I hate them but I have to) while watching music channels to divert my mind from the pain of exercising … while training my ear to the going ons in the house … ahh DIL is up, good, dammit Kid#2 will get late for college, dammit Ramu should be doing the rotis by now.  I have found that if I get annoyed or tense, I exercise more vigorously – so I suspect I work myself up – so that the damn kicks reach higher and the damn moves are faster.  I work myself into a fine sweat and then feel happier with life.  Yayyy the pheromones are kicking in …..

8 am, the kids are out of the house and its time to go get shopping list ready and take a tour of the house with Ramu while giving him some instructions and then rush back into my room to get ready for office.

TRRRRRING TRRRRRING

Me : Hello beta

DIL: Mom, you’re at home

Me: Yes beta

DIL: Mom can you please check – I think I left my diamond ring in the loo

Me : Sigh : Yes beta, am going upstairs to your loo.  I’ll keep it in my bag.  Take it from me in the night.

DIL : I’ll check up with you.  Byeee

Uff, now where was I? Oh yes, getting ready for breakfast and office.  DIL’s ring is now in my bag and I am back in the morning madness.  I’m wearing my clothes when another call comes

TRRRING TRRING

Me: Hello

Kid#2: Mom do you have my passport photo

Me: Yeah

Kid#2 : Mom I forgot to take it with me in the morning, can you drop one on your way to office

Me : I work in mnbbv which is North, your college is in lkjhg which is south – I cant

Kid#2 : Moooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmm

Me : You got a car – just go to the market and get one taken.  Takes 15 minutes

Kid#2 : Sigh

Me : Heavy Sigh!!!!!

Have breakfast and escape to work.  On the road

TRRRING TRRING

Me : Hello

Ex : Ritu how are you

Me : Good

Uncomfortable silence for one whole minute

Ex : I guess you are wondering why I called you

Me : Yeah ………….

Ex : Kid#1 is not answering my mails or returning my calls

Me : Okay, I’ll tell him to (mentally thinking you goddamn idiot, he’s an adult, you patronise and boss him, obviously he doesnt wanna talk to you)

Ex : Okay I’ll ring you back for a reply

Me : Do it late in the night (or dont) okay

Ex : Sigh!!!

Me : Heavier Sigh!!!!!!

12 noon while busy doing up some drafting of reports

TRRRING TRRING

Me : Hello

Voice : Good afternoon Madam, I am calling from Vodaphone

Me : Snarling : I dont want your product or whatever bullshit scheme you are selling

Sigh! Poor guys. Telemarketing is a terrible business. But while juggling cooking, housekeeping, being a detective, the lost and found deptt., errand runner, advisor, relationship mediator and bread earner, I simply have no time or desire to be patient with them.

I am raising a romantic!

My Kid#2 is all grown up.  He went on his very first date today.  Sigh!!!!!!

He’s gone out earlier – but always in a group.   Today was the first time he took a girl out for the evening.  People say Awwwwww

He was nervous.  His coffee date was at 5 pm and he was ready by three ( jeans and a nice summery shirt, Nike sneakers, mobile phone with blue tooth, Ipod, PSP – I dont know why all of his gizmos but those were his accessories) and he got his car washed twice, cleaned up all the car from the inside and even bought flowers (yellow roses).

DIL was active participant.  It did my heart good to see major advise being asked and being dispensed.  It also took all effort on my part to not crack up at the proceedings.  I have a corny sense of humour you see, and I can not reconcile the image of a tiny baby still fresh in my mind with this grown up boy young man taking a girl he finds special out for a date.

Kid#2 :  Bhabhi do I look okay

DIL : Change your socks, and show me your nails

Kid#2 : Okay

Editors Note : I am awed, he would have killed me if I had suggested anything like that.  He quickly ran to his room and I gave DIL a thumbs up while she signalled a V with her hand

DIL : Okay remember, dont talk too much.  Listen to her.

Kid#2 : I dunno, girls keep on talking all the time

DIL :  Yes, and you have to listen, if you want any more dates with her

Kid#2 : We are going to Barrista ……

DIL : Bad idea.  Take her to Costa Coffee.  Barrista is cheap.

Kid#2 : Ewwwww (Probably seeing this week’s pocket money flying away)

DIL : You want another date?

Kid#2 : Okay Okay!  What do I order?

DIL : (Smiling) You dont, ask her to order.

Kid#2 : Mommmmm, give me next week’s pocket money in advance.

Me : On one condition – you will tell me every single thing that happened when you return.

Kid#2 : No way!  You’re joking

Me : Evil Smile

DIL : Mommmmm, that is unfair.  You are evil

Me : Evil Smile

Both of them glare at me.  I surrender and hand over next week’s pocket money.

Bye, little one.  Have a wonderful evening ……

Sigh!  They grow up so fast!

Menopause – God’s divine comedy

There are times when I think God has a weird sense of humour. I just don’t get it. The timing sucks like hell… like I mentioned in an earlier post (Yayyy I managed to make a link!!!!)

Consider this, a woman reaches middle age and is dealing with boobs that go south, grey hair, the first few wrinkles, all the chocolate she ever ate settling down on her hips and thighs – yeah its pretty stressful. God looks at this mere mortal just learning to face it and adds a deadly twist …. the said woman’s children who until then considered their mother as Goddess and looked at her with undisguised and blind adoration become teenagers. It happens suddenly. One day, these kids are tripping over themselves to cling to you, and if you hug them or smile, they are ecstatic. They wake up the next day with the thought “Who is this old witch, and why do I have to listen to her on how to run my life. She never did manage hers very well”. And if God hates that poor old woman very much, he gives her a daughter who is very upfront and tactless about how she did not want to grow up like her mother. Nasty!!! Luckily God did not give me one of those. Still I was the worst mother ever, since I did not allow the boys to go to school on a two wheeler or drive anywhere unless they were 18 and got a licence. They were at their whiney best “Every other parent allows it” I know kiddos, I am MONSTER MOM and I love it. Then they give you the silent treatment – which is lovely. I gave it right back and we had a very peaceful and less stressful home.

After you have weathered the teenage years when they are lazy, self absorbed, conceited, messy, insufferable pigs, they grow up to be decent boys you are actually proud of. You start enjoying their company. Then God adds another twist – they get married just when menopause hits you. Picture this, you are going through hot flashes, memory loss, mood swings, wrinkles, night sweats and eating binges, and the apple of your eye, the fruit of your womb brings a young nubile woman into the house and proceeds to ignore you totally. She has a butt and a bustline that burns you up, and she probably goes to sleep without under eye creams and anti wrinkle aids, and does not need push up bras. The divine comedy makes me weep.

 

Mortgages and Mid Life Crisis

Something has totally happened to me. I distinctly remember a few years ago that I would recoil at the mere mention of buying and owning a home for myself. I thought that once you owned one of these things, you really could not have a life. Every thing you earned went into repairs, renovations, furniture, broken plumbing, and paint jobs. My god, the commitment!. Any way, owning a house was what stodgy regular staid sane people did. I could not be tied down. That was then and this is now …

Well, I took a plunge and did the unthinkable (it must have been right when I was zoned out and thinking about what kind of legacy I would leave the kids … hmmm … too much marijuana in my smokes, what?) Needless to say I took the plunge and got myself a home in the rural pastures wonderful suburbia. It is spacious, away from the urban mess, but most importantly, it is a rite of passage into growing roots. I am one of the crazy people who can work for the same company for the last twenty years and live in the same town for the last 30 and still think of myself as a free bird who could pack and move out if things became unpleasant. Now I don’t have that option. I have committed the next 10 years of my life to living in this town and also to working my tail off to pay the loan. Now I will be thinking in terms of growing curry patta, tulsi and nimbu in my pocket kerchief garden. Hello domesticity ….

The point is that I have this image of myself as the global gypsy …. Wandering from place to place, free …. Unencumbered by baggage or kids. Me with a backyard and plants??? Oh wow!!! Funny how age changes a person ……