Doctors and Hospitals

When I was young, Mom wanted me to be a doctor.  Mind you this was much before Doogie Howser and other glamour medical types made it cool.  So, since I had a brain, I was enrolled into the medical side in High School.  Close encounters with dissection classes made me wonder …….., I found them gross!  Dont get me wrong, medicine is a noble profession – I am not noble.  I cant get it.  This world is made up in equal parts of the beautiful, the plain, the ugly and the gross.  I infinitely prefer the beautiful.  Plus I am a lazy irresponsible bum.  I dont want to study endlessly, to sacrifice my beauty sleep or have be responsible for someone’s life or death.  I admire these wonderful people, but it is not me.  I admire them, but would love to be away from pain and suffering.  Hospitals house the ill and the saviours.  I’d rather give them a miss.  So when the time came, I said, “Sorry Mom” and picked up English Literature, Keats, Byron and marriage.  Another one of my Great Escapes       😀

Both my kids are Ceasarian ….. one of God’s divine jokes at my expense.  Humph!  But I guess I behaved, because no one complained about the horrible patient I was.  May be my babies made my family forgive me.

Some of the anaesthetic trips are good and happy, some take you into a psychedelic hell.   A few years ago, I had a pretty bad accident, which required surgery.  Kid#1 was barely 20 years old.  Poor child ….. he swears I will be held solely responsible for any kind of hair loss or every grey hair on his young head.  I was wheeled in to my hospital bed, post surgery, with an oxygen mask, totally out of it.  I must have been angry and in pain, because I threw a very bad tantrum.  Oxygen stinks, and I did not want that mask.  I kept pushing it off.  The nurse scolded me and said “Aapka surgery hua hai – yeh lagao” ….., well, I was pissed, and I yanked it off my face and plastered it on hers and said “Tere ko chahiye na, Too hi pehenle”.  I even pulled off the IV.  I have nothing to say in my defense …. except that I was out, and did not know.  Kid#1, Kid#2, Kid#1’s group of friends (which included DIL) were all there at the hospital at that time, and decided I was a brat.  Hmmmmmm, I have not managed to live that down as yet.

With that in mind, DIL and Kid#1 warned me that I better behave this time.  I guess I did, I did not even complain about the sweet corn soup they fed me (even though I told my kids it looked like monkey’s semen – no I have never seen monkey’s semen, dont ask, its just what I thought, so I would not drink it humph!).  I drank the juice, so there!!!!!  😛

I was wheeled out of the OT, and the kids hovered around me asking “Mom, how do you feel?”.  Apparently this anaesthesia was good stuff, and the trip must have taken me to a psychedelic paradise.  As per them, I was tripping and answered with a happy giggle “Awesome”       😀

Well, mind you, I do not remember the last time or this one, so I chose to look at the kids with wide-eyed disbelief whenever they tell me about this.  It is the only way I can cling on to the shreds of my tattered dignity.  Sigh!!!!!

Doctors are another class of people in themselves – so matter of fact and business-like that it gives me the shivers.  When I went to the hospital, I definitely was more interested in meeting my siblings for Bhai Dooj, an awesome dinner with wine and mithai and chocolates – getting admitted was not on the agenda.  My gynae (poor long suffering soul) was surprised to actually see me keep my appointment.  I am the most unwilling patient that walked this earth!  She tried to be gentle (even when I rebelled during the physical exam, its instinctive, I dont do it on purpose) and explained that I had to be operated.  I asked “Can I come in after my dinner with my family?”.  She looks at me and says “Shall I ring up Kid#1?”.  End of discussion ……….

Now a days hospitals are better than malls.  Yes they are.  All major brands are there.  You have  Costa Coffee, Cafe Coffee Day, Moets and Nirulas there.  You even have the most awesome mandir right in the middle of the hospital campus.  Kid#2 wanted us to go to the mandir before the surgery.  So both of us quietly took a small walk the night before the surgery.  I was most impressed by the Shiv Ling and told him it was one of the more impressive phallic symbols I had seen recently.  Totally inappropriate humour but it got us both giggling dementedly – and he hugged me hard, wordlessly.  It felt good, that clingly baby of mine, now so tall and strong, holding me hard and comforting me!!!  Thanks my love, both you and your brother are my strength, my courage, my life   🙂

What’s with hospital food?  Do they instruct the cooks to ensure that things should not be tasty?  Its like reminding people that they are sick and so have to eat this insipid fare Blech!!!!  I should have carried sachets of capsico, chilli flakes and mustard to spice up stuff.  Less said about the liquid diet they put me on – soups that had no character whatsoever, lumpy khichdi.  Whoever saw a light red tomato soup, I ask you?  Moong Dal soup looked like yellow water.  The only things I could face were cornflakes and juice.  I tell you I started dreaming about masala dosas and pizzas!  I need to get a life!  Imagine drooling over food instead of men!!!!!

The plus point is that I must have lost a lot of weight  😀

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20 thoughts on “Doctors and Hospitals

  1. I’m not the noble type either. And though doctors are so noble, I still don’t like going to meet them. Hospitals give me goose bumps, with the Costa Cafes and CCDs or without them.

    Oh absolutely

  2. oh u reminded me of the time when i had a serious accident… i hate the doctor[the lady doc]… she wud come every (very) in the morning and will throw open the curtains… the windows… nd the door… n then come the breakfast… ufff absolutely a humdrum of things… god i still have the taste on my tongue…
    but i always managed to sneek out to get something kool… =))

    I cant move even now gaah!

  3. Hospital food is well.. the less said better. First year of college I got jaundice and lost 20 kilos in 6 months. Obviously put it all back one year later but still…

    Sis recommends another episode just so I could loose some weight! Imagine!

    Ewwww, that is bad – just exercise, it works. No one can be that desperate

  4. Advitya, i need to lose about the same, tell me the name of the hospital, i will endure their food, hehehe.
    Ritu, you rock, like always you leave me with a wide grin on my face after reading your post. I can almost see you walking down to that mandir and grinning in the anesthesia.

    Start running Manpreet, and you will lose. I cant eat hospital food, cant face it

  5. hospital food surely sucks.. when i was in my II Year of engineering, maleria got hold on me, and imagine that too during my exams.. but you know how mumbai university exams are… had a 10day leave before maths exam..
    daddy dearest got me admitted in hospital though i didn’t wanted to. all those crappy salines injections yeks.. i die hundred deaths everytime i think about it.
    the good thing was docs made me fit 😀 I was overweight..

    I think that must be the ultimate doctor’s aim ….. get them to under-eat and thereby get fit, and scare the poor jokers so that they stay healthy 😀

  6. Exercise and me are like oil & water… Never get together!

    @ Manpreet-> Dude trust me it’s not worth it! Bills are huge and the doctors ugly… I mean mera time pass bhi nahi hua ttha!

  7. monkey’s semen… how do these things enter ur head ritu?

    I dont know …. am crazy I think – plus the monkey+underwear ad that airs on TV …..

    and hospitals i hate them… in the past 4 yrs seen too much of it, fibroid removal surgery, then the two emergency visits during pregnancy and one lasted 10 days and then for the delivery… I hate them…. and anesthesia makes one weird, hubby tells me that every time i have taken it i have blabbering… will say something and dooz off middle of sentence get up sometime and continue 🙂

    none of the time i eat their food… dont want to look at one for another 20 yrs atleast

    Seriously, I had fibroids too, hence the surgery. I can empathise

  8. Ritu, you’re incorrigible! It’s amazing they still let you in at that hospital.[:p]

    You have a point …. thank goodness, I am normally healthy. Hope they forget soon

    Many docs are good friends … but later in the evenings, over a drink at the club, never at their work place – cannot bear the medicinal smell and the general ambience of hospitals, no matter the mall like atmosphere ….

    I can totally empathise

  9. You Make hysterectomy sound almost fashionable 🙂

    Just to be on the safe side, I guess you must put the disclaimer in such articles LOL..

    Something like ” not advised for women below 40 and those not having two sons and a DIL 🙂

    Will definitely keep it in mind CP
    😛

  10. Son#2 hugging you when you joked about the Shiv Ling, brought tears to my eyes. You have got such good boys, and a lovely family.

    Yeah they are wonderful kids

    Enjoyed reading about Monkey semen (etc), most original, I must say. I am terrified of what I might say if I am on anesthesia …. !!! I am sure I’d never be able to beat your talk of phallic symbols and primate semens 🙂

    Having such an irrepressible sense of humour means they are shock proof – so I am not scared of what I would blab under anaesthesia

    Take care, don’t change – Hugs, IHM.

  11. Oh Ritu!…you did it again!….you sure keep me in splits!:-)….what on earth made you even think of monkey semen????!!!!….and yes…lingum is phallus…wishful thinking,(in the temple) on the eve of surgery, huh!?!?!;-)

    Well I did think it was darn neat irony – just when I was to lose my uterus and ovaries 😉

  12. Pingback: Doctors, Hospitals and My New Year Eve | phoenixritu.comphoenixritu.com

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