Crime Files

I have always been fascinated by Iago and motiveless malignity.  Hence this story – I will keep adding to it.  Do give me feedback

 

NORTH INDIA:  SUMMER 2006    DAY 1

Noida

It was about 3 am in the night when Mohan Nagpal woke up as he stumbled against the swing in a strange villa.  This was crazy.  A 22 years old youth,  sane and healthy, leading a fairly boring middle class existence is not supposed to sleep-walk.  Confused, he looked down at his bare feet.  All sleep vanished.  He had blood stains all over his pajamas, and his feet, as though he had walked through a pool of blood.  He turned and saw that he was standing in the dimly lit marbled porch of a strange house, his bloody footprints coming towards him from somewhere inside.  There was no sound apart from the creaking of the swing and the thudding of his panicking heart.  With trembling hands he picked up the polybag that had fallen from his hands,  opened the gate and fled into the darkness, with a backward glance towards the gate whose lit letter-box proclaimed

 

VIKRAM ARORA

735 SECTOR 48

NOIDA, U.P.

 

He had never been to Sector 48 Noida in his life and never met Vikram Arora.  May be he was going mad.

 

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10 thoughts on “Crime Files

  1. awesome narration Ritu . my mind is racing beyond your imagination . :)To me looks like a case of dissociative fugre ,where one goes thru a trance like phase and becomes someone else .you can travel places do things and when the trance like sleep is broken one will be astonished about the facts ..not remembering where one went off or did what .
    waiting with breathless excitement ..give me more
    one more thing ..garden swing in a marbled porch???

    OOPS, thanks for pointing that out. Corrected it

  2. Nicely written. Really good narrative!
    Can’t wait to read what happens next…

    *hands out choco chip cookies*
    🙂

    Thank you, delicious cookies, can I take more? Yummy

    😀

  3. You cruel woman. For a moment, I thought it was a story like that other one, a ghost coming to see someone. Dont keep us hanging. Write the rest of it. And soon Please.

    Jo Hukm Mere Aaka

  4. Hi Ritu,

    + It has the seeds of a superb whodunnit. I want to know what happens to Mohan Nagpal next.
    + You have created some vivid images. The bit about his footmarks is fantastic.
    + You have followed the basic tenets of a mystery wel: Start with the action. Jump into the psychological condition of the suspect. Show the police swinging into action

    A few inputs:

    – If possible, start with the something else. “Pitch dark and cloudy” is a big time cliche.It sounds very much like ‘It was a dark and stormy night’. Once you tell the reader that it was 3 am, it is assumed that it would be verty dark
    – Although you have started well (with action) I personally think you dip into the ‘tell’ mode suddenly. The explanation of the ‘juveniles being the sleepwalkers’ bit breaks the spell. I want to be with Mohan at the start, and want to se all the panic that he is experiencing. I think he will rationalize later, when he is faraway from the scene. Just continue with the ation
    – I liked the way you have described the inspectors POV in the second part. However can you ‘show’ it a bit more? Things like ‘A bewildered inspector’ ‘asked him to sit wearily’ ‘Sharma had a lot of experience’ and ‘knew instinctively’ although tell me exactly what is going on, but you can add a lot more tension to it by ‘showing’ us the interaction between the two. ANd in the process establishing the experience of Sharma and the things that Mohan says or does that give him taht instinct about his innocence.

    I know I am overstating this, but the biggest secret of a great whodunnit is ‘show’. Pick up any police procedurals by Michael Connelly, Colin Dexter and Ian Rankin and you would see what I mean here 🙂

    I look forward to the remainder of the story!!

    Cheers
    Rohit

  5. Oh wow! Thank you Rohit. I knew it, you know something, I really really value your feedback. You take the pains to point out how to improve. I am checking out police procedurals.

    Thanks once again from the bottom of my heart. Back to the editing board –
    😉

  6. I thought it was a news article (I started reading from ‘North India, Summer 2006 …”) and it was chillingly scary. Waiting for what happens next.
    Simply Brilliant. Ram Gopal Verma can take some tips from here.

    Thanks IHM, yeah its a spook kind of story

  7. I remember I was a victim of sleep walking as well when I was a kid… but thanks god nothing scarry happened to me .. 😀
    Waiting for the next one…

    Afaque, I knew a person who used to sleep walk …. may be subconsciously I must be using that as inspiration

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