It has been a long time since I’ve done lists, and here comes one which will have all the male readers of this blog calling me a sexist bitch. To them I will simply say I promise I’ll do a post on the Women you should run a mile from just to keep things fair and square. Okay.
Well heading the list would be Monsieur Marquis De Sade. My sympathies if you are stuck with one of those. This guy is charming, he is handsome, but it is all in the exterior. He may have well developed biceps, large strong thighs and other things. But inside he is just a jock. He never grew up from that childhood fascination of tearing the wings off poor insects that came his way. He probably yanked off tires from toy cars and now feeds on other people’s pain. I don’t know if it is a sickness or he simply gets it off on power. What I do know is that if you are in a relationship with such a guy – it is you who is sick.
The second one on my list would be the guy who thinks with his dick. Tiger Woods is a prime example of this sort of guy. When they were kids, their Moms never taught them not to put their tiny finger into every hole they saw. I am sure they were not smacked when they put their finger into a plug-hole. The Mom just cello taped it. Now they carry their fascination for …. Well suffice to say that if they see an orifice they have to explore. It does not matter if you are the most beautiful woman since Cleopatra or Helen of Troy, this man is not only going to cheat on you, but is also going to give you disease, public humiliation and heartache.
MR. PETER PAN
In the interest of fairness, let me clarify a point. All men are babies and we love them that way. Smart women have learnt through the ages that if we did not, we would not have men to date anyway. Sigh! Men do want to have their ego stroked always, and do only what they wanna do. But there is this other lot of monster babies, who do not understand or want to understand responsibility or self respect. They can’t keep a job, feel that the world is against them and like to blame every one for their problems which they have created themselves. And then they run to their Mommies. If you are in any sort of relationship with one of these, run.
You know the strange thing? These are the ones who come through as so confident and egalitarian at first. Then it starts. They don’t like your clothes because they are too revealing. They don’t like your family, it’s too nosy. They don’t like your friends since they are sluts. They will drive you insane if you have a male buddy. They don’t even like your job because it is too demanding. Stay with them for a while, and they will not even like you, but can’t live without you. They will spy on you, check your mail, your phone’s message book, ask for a report on who smsed you and why. They’ll even follow you to office. They will convince themselves you’re having an affair on the basis of an sms. Get out before it gets out of hand.
MR. LABEL MASTER
This one is a bit hard to explain, but I’ve seen them around. Everyone has to be neatly slotted after a whole lot of analysis. He’s the guy who is sitting and quietly observing with a smug look on his face and “I knew it” in his mind. Sadly he does not live life, since observing other people living theirs is what he obsesses about. He would love to fix you up since he knows you are broken inside. He cant understand why you do not want to be fixed.
MR. SPORTS CHANEL
I had to do this – especially with the IPL in full swing. Okay, I know, I know all men like sports – but this is the “like sports too much” variety I am talking about. The jury is divided on this one. Men feel there is no too much about it, women think any guy who would rather watch a match than take them out is a sports fanatic. After a year of being together all men fall into this category hehehehhe. But if you whip their sorry asses and withhold sex, they will abandon the remote to spend time with you. Mr. Sports Chanel wont care if the house is on fire, there is just burnt toast for dinner, and you haven’t gone out in months! All he wants is “A beer, a bit of peace and the T.V. remote”. Lose him because it’s hard competition. Even if you pole danced naked in front of his eyes, you won’t win.
At first he comes through as the world’s most empathetic and sensitive soul, a true poet even … He is so caring, so touched by the interest you take in him. But hang around and you’ll soon find out. He is actually nursing a broken heart from way back in Class VI when the love of his life dumped him. Perhaps the heart break happened much earlier like say – in kindergarten? Reality check – the guy loves to be the hurt one, he is a sympathy slut. It is all about HIM all the darn time. Unless you want to play Ms. Florence Nightingale to a drippy faucet for the rest of your life, Flee!!!
MR. PRETTY BOY
There is an unspoken golden rule – Men should look well male and women should be the delicate flowers. Unless you want to look like a eunuch or a manly cow, stay away from such men. Oh another thing, they take a long long time dressing up, powdering their pretty noses and blow drying their hair. I know its called being metro sexual, but I don’t like being upstaged in the feminine department by someone I am dating.
MR. HIGH AND MIGHTY
I am sure you’ve met him. He would not even allow himself to meet your eyes or smile. It would disturb his solemn state. He walks around like the entire human race is unworthy of his superior presence. He is too good and the rest of the people are scum that does not deserve to breathe the same air as him. He has a razor sharp tongue that can reduce anything nice and worthwhile into shreds. Hang around such a person and you will slowly start believing that no one is as worthy as this exalted being – – not even you. Throw him out before this happens.
MR. VERBAL ABUSE
You are too fat, you are too loud, you don’t have taste, and your cooking is crap, etc etc. These are all the accolades you get from him. The truth is that he came from a bunch of prehistoric types who thought that love and affection was best displayed by pulling a woman by the hair or bopping the loved one on the head with a club. Any sane person with a sense of self preservation will avoid this type.