The topic made me recoil and giggle with embarassment
It reminded me of an uncomfortable morning in my meditation class when I was battling depression, rejection from my birth family and hostile disapproval from my soon to be divorced marital one.
The guru was a lady who had a calm and happy expression on her face as she played with her long hair and she said, “Get to know the person you are.”
Who was I? The child who had once been the recipient of approval from her mother for excellence in academics.
Well the same mother felt shamed by the fact that the same daughter had thrown her husband out of her marital home.
The father had stood by and tried to pacify the warring women in his life. His wife who was so worried about image and society and the other his daughter who did not care. She just wanted to wash her hands off the failing marriage.
You are a mother, they said. You need to stay in the marriage to give your children a stable home.
Stable home? Where we fought bitterly every minute we were together?
Was I a good mother? Was I “the self” a mother?
Who was I?
The tomboy who played with strays and brought them home … a animal lover?
I had not been allowed to even keep a goldfish in my marital home.
Who was I?
The child who loved to play boyish games?
Or the mother who taught her two sons to play them?
Get to know your self, the woman said …
I got up and shrugged mutinously. I even wanted to punch the serenity off her face. I wanted to rake my nails on those smooth cheeks, draw blood even
I got up and walked out of class. Then I walked on the roads for a couple of hours thinking
Who am I?
And then it struck me, just when I was sweaty grimy and tired …
The past is immaterial, its gone, dead.
The present is a thorny chair, uncomfortable to sit on.
But the future is there … time enough to build the self I want myself to be.
The next day I was back in class with a firm resolve
I told her : I think you got it all wrong. I am a plain sheet of paper. On this paper I will chose to write the words I want to. To paint the picture I want to. I do not want to remember the self I was. I will from today build the self I want me to be.
She smiled. And then she simply said, “Don’t forget to take your older self with you, she will feel lonely and hurt if you reject her. Love her, she is a part of the newer you.”
This is in response to WEEK #54 (5-27-12 to 6-2-12): Self at BGE2