Catching up with an old friend

Chat with old friend who found me using Facebook Friend Finder ….

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Old Friend : OMG, so you are a hot shot author now.

Me : (Trying to be modest and underplayed) Yeah, I have a couple of books published

O F : Well, you always wanted to be a doctor

Me : Yeah, didn’t everyone else?  It was a done thing those days ….

O F : What?

Me : Adults would ask, “Beta badhe hokar kya banogey?” and we would chant, Doctor, IAS, IPS, Engineer. 

O F : You always said Doctor

Me : The idea of cutting people open must have sounded like fun to me

O F : So how come you’re not one?

Me : (Trying to wriggle out of admitting that I dropped out in the second month of med school) You wanted to be in IAS, and now you’re in marketing.

O F : Well, it pays better and does not get me posted out of Calcutta.  You can’t take a Bong out of Calcutta

Me : So how’s Didi?

Nice try … but he did not take the bait.

O F : (Still persisting) Never thought you’d be working in corporates and writing novels.

Me : (Uncomfortably)  Erm I work in one corporate only.

O F : And your marriage broke

Me : (Wishing I could strangle him through the computer screen) Yes

O F : You are Ritu Jain from Imphal and from Hindu College aren’t you?

Me : (Scowling) Was.  Now I am Ritu Lalit

O F : (I could sense the avid need to learn more gossip) You have changed so much!  How could you?  He was your big romance, how come?

Taking deep breaths, reminding myself that I once actually liked this bloke, and preaching myself tolerance…

Me : That was then, this is now.  You’re right.  I changed a lot.

O F : Like how?

Me : I got infected by Black Spider venom.  So I have this uncontrollable urge to kill or destroy old loves and old friends.  It is a problem but I am learning how to control it, and to live with it.  

O F : You’re not serious?

Me : Try me

Facebook, I owe you big time.  Haven’t had so much fun in ages 😛

Livin da vida loca

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And if I were a man!

Indyeah gave me rave reviews on her blog!  Thanks girl!!!!

And she tagged me to think like a man; and compile a wishlist of the lovely ladies I would eye lustfully lovingly.

Well I know how men think!  I have two sons who are frank and think I am buddy.  They say anything in front of me!

So for all intents and purposes for this blog post I am a man!

Sigh!  So many ladies I would love to get intimate with!

*Scratch my ahem … butt and settle down to list em*

And here’s my wishlist, compliled ever so lustfully

drewWhat can I say?  Never did understand size zero obsessions!  A guy does like his hands full.  Them tits are awesome!  Drew Barrymore really fits the bill.

Angelina Jolie

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Those lips were made for kissing!  Plus she is athletic.  A guy would love a romp in the hay which is dirty, passionate and athletic!  Angelina would be the perfect choice.

Preity Zinta

preityJust look at that balcony!  She is a busty girl, and that is soo nice.  Cleavages on girls is an emminently desirable thing.  Plus Mommys dont object to nice girls with dimples.  Best of both worlds what?!!!

Kiera Knightley

kiera

Just picture the girl on a rope, just picture the rope in a bed room, just picture the swinging night ….. I think you get the picture!  😉

Catherine Zeta Jones

zetaWhat can I say?  Latino, sexy, hot!!!!

Jessica Biel

jessicaThis is one drop dead gorgeous babe, one would love to love and never ever get into a fight with – that is – if you did not want to be punched in the …..

Hard core fighter, in your face, hot!

Scarlett Johansson

scarlettShe has oomph!  Athletic, most definitely has the stamina of an ox!!!  So she goes on the lust list

Penelope Cruise

cruzShe is sensual, sultry ….. and Oooooh!  She can cook!  Unbeatable combo

Anne Hathaway

anneShe makes it into the list because she has kissable lips.  So does Angelina Jolie.  Heyyyy wait a minute, so does Preity and …… Oh forget it – whateva!

Saved the best for the last

Michelle Rodrigues

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The bad girl a guy would like to do bad things with!!  She can kick ass, she can play fast, she can be downright dirty.  In short she can drive a man insane!

Phew!!!

Done the tag !

Hope my sons dont read this post!

Maxine for World President

Dontcha just love her?  

Like A.R. Rehman she never goes stale …….

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1.My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 

 

2.I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 

 

3..Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 

 

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 

 

5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 

6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 

 

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 

 

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 

 

9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing. 

 

10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

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11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 

 

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 

 

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

 

14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 

 

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 

 

16..Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it! 

 

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up 

 

18.. Procrastinate Now! 

 

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 

 

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 

 

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

 

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 

 

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 

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24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

 

26.. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 

 

27..The trouble with life is there’s no background music. 

 

28..The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 

 

29.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on. 

and of course the 30th

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president.  She was right on with this one! 


 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately:

 illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida … 

 

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It’s a win-win situation. 

atta

 

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. 

 

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies. 

 

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. 

 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?  Yes  ? 

 

Think about this one: 

 

1. Cows 

2. The Constitution 

3. The Ten Commandments   

 

C O W S   

 

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow

 born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?

And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

 Maybe we should give each of them a cow.   

 

T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N   

 

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq   …. Why don’t we just give them ours?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.   

 

T H E   1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S   

 

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: 

You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians… It creates a hostile work environment. (Loved this one … 🙂 )

Of Babes, Bitches and Singledom

This post is inspired by The Indian Home-maker

Thanks IHM for defining bitch for me : Babe In Total Control of Herself

As someone who is slowly evolving into a Maxine kind of female, I think I can safely say that I am a card carrying proud member of the fraternity sisterhood of B.I.T.C.H., and I quite like that.  

But dammit, why slot us women into “biwi+mother type”, “devi type” and “bitch/temptress type”.  I think I am all of ’em and so is every female I know

Right now, I am drooling over the Sunday Times Life which features eye candy like John, Milind, Ranbir Kapoor and Neil Nitin Mukesh sans clothes and done very aesthetically.  So what does that make me?

Honestly I sure am glad I belong to the day and age where men have become broad-minded and  liberated!  I mean take a few decades ago, we had the stodgy dark suited paunchy male!  So passe…… ,

Then we had the conservative man!  So boring!

I like this, the slutty man!  He  is sooo much fun to watch!  Thank goodness for them.  Unki Maa Behn ko thank you kehne ko mangta hai, for allowing them to waggle their tush in newspapers.  Thanks ladies!!!!

One can leer at them and …… etc etc.

Hehehehhe, yeah I can trash talk like the best of men I guess …

But the point is, it is absolutely natural hai na?  To look at pics and admire them?

It is added impetus for the non-celeb type men to work out and get a body you would wanna hug!  

A friendly co-worker came into my room and saw me leering at the TimesLife and shook his head sympathetically

Kya Ritu, jab wakt tha shaadi kar letin, to ye newspaper dekh kar time pass nahin karna padhta

(Should have married when it was time, then you would not be ogling at newspapers today)

I just smiled and let it go!

Humph!  Big deal!  I have ogled at Red Ferraris, I have ogled at tank tops and tubes that would not go around my body, I have ogled at diamond solitaires I can not afford to buy!  I will ogle at nude men too!  They make me feel good!

But I’ll be darned if I give up my precious singledom and be tied down again!

I Love Maxine

image01414Maxine is soooo me …. or rather someone I am growing into – and am quite proud of the fact.  I love her – just because she liberated us women from being sweet old granma’s baking stuff or stirring extra almonds into the kheer for their self absorbed children or spoilt grandchildren.

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Maxine is a woman of substance.  Think Dimple Kapadia in Luck by Chance as opposed to Durga Khote in countless movies.  Even think Kiron Kher in Hum Tum!  Aww shucks, I guess I recognise a kindred spirit when I see one.  I love that grey haired cantankerous woman with her acerbic wit.

I got a forward from a friend that told me that Maxine was created by a man!!!  Damn!  I want to marry him, or if he is unavailable, any one who thinks like him!  Anyone who understands women the way this guy does ….

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Maxine was born in 1986.  Her creator was John Wagner, an artist working with Hallmark.  She was created for a smaller greeting card line called Shoebox Greetings.  Wagner says he was inspired by his mother, grandmother, spinster aunts.  At first Hallmark was concerned that she would not be accepted.  Heck!  Every one loved her.  She became an icon for older women.  She is nasty, moody, cantankerous and spunky.  She actually made it cool to be crabby.  in fact the nastier she is, the more one loves her.

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Online you will find a daily dose of Maxine wit here

Maxine is my tribute for all women beyond a certain age, and others who will reach there some day ….

HAPPY WOMENS DAY

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More proof that I have way too much time on my hands

The doctors refuse to let me join the work-force as yet.  So I am stuck at home, thank God for my laptop and the internet.  So I guess I will sit and seriously think on how to bring about world peace.  I know, I know!  I need to get myself a life!  Till then please bear with me ……

  1. Abolish religion – all religion and all churches, temples, mosques etc etc.  Build playgrounds and/or plant trees where all these things stood.  Make all the priests gardeners.  It can make them truly contribute in abolishing hunger and in greening the earth.
  2. Abolish politics – all politics.  Give all these politicians their own shows on prime time television.  They will get their celebrity-hood, and we can switch them off when we have too much of them.
  3. If they dont like that – give them roles in movies for Godssake!  Is any producer/director type listening?   It can work- all they want is name+fame+money.
  4. Put all combative types on truly blood-thirsty TV shows – you know, the blood and gore type, which can be aired really late in the night along with horror movies.
  5. I have found that the armed forces types are truly disciplined and they actually hate wars.  They can be put in charge of maintaining world peace.
  6. Some of them can also be put in charge of law and order.
  7. Let us erase borders or at least make them porous.  Free trade for all.
  8. Hardened criminals, drug dealers, perverts, rapists etc. can be sent on inter-galactic travel.  They can help humanity by exploring the universe.  As Mulder said “The truth is out there.”
  9. Conservatives/traditionalists/moralists can be sent to re-education camps.
  10. Beaurocrats can run the world – they have no charisma and so can not incite wars.  They arent exciting either or make good copy – but we will have all those new TV Programs for all that.  Small price for world peace – what say?
I leave you with this happy song – a male solution for world peace!  Do turn on the sound when you watch this – it is simply awesome 😛
I know, I know its naughty – but fun   😀

Rites of Passage

This post was written a long time ago – airing it right now thanks to Tikuli’s post

And yes, please read this speech by Gloria Steinem.  I would have this on the school curriculum if I were in charge of such things.

I have got inspired.  I read two most hilarious blog posts on menstruation, one by a woman, and the other is a male view point on the subject.  Thanks Sue for pointing me in the right direction.  There is no doubt that men got lucky in this department.  The don’t have these rites of passage like menstruation, pregnancy, labour and menopause.  Well I also think that they don’t have our power, experience the joys of nursing an infant, and frankly we look good with or without clothes.  Also we have total black magic power on our men since our headaches, cramps, aneamia and hot flushes can make or break their lives.  I think the scales are tilted heavily in our favour.  Oh yeah, one more thing, we actually enjoy shopping.

My mother belonged to a generation that was taught to hide evidences of being a woman.  Even drying a bra was much cloak and dagger stuff, the darn thing had to be hidden under a saree or some other cloth on the clothesline.  I swear she must be dying a million deaths when she went to buy them.  When I reached puberty,  I was pretty clueless about what it all meant.  My social circle comprised of my male siblings.  I had no girlie person to share confidences with.  My mother dragged me into her room and locked the door.  Then she told me, in hushed whispers, while blushing deeply, that I was grown up now and would bleed for a week every month until I got pregnant.  I was not supposed to talk about this and from now on I would not play with the boys and would sleep with the babies.  I looked at her totally confused.  Far reaching changes were being made in my life, and it was scary.

Anyhow, after two years of this episode, I became friendly with another girl in my class.  We started sharing confidences and we got into an argument.  Both of us had Science in school and were aspiring to be doctors and engineers (was there any other profession?).  I insisted that we would have the period only until we got pregnant, after that – chutti.  My mother did not tell me that one got reprieve only for the duration of pregnancy you see.  She took unholy delight in correcting this misconception.  She had two elder sisters in medical college, and she hauled me by the collar and took me for an intense re-education program conducted specially for me by her didis and their class mates.  Quite an enlightening experience.

Having lots of brothers to grow up with can either make you the shy feminine retiring sort, or it can make you an aggressive (fight back for survival) kind of a creature.  I became the latter and also developed a shocking sense of humour.  So when I read this blog about using human milk for ice-cream I simply loved it.  It has just the right amount of grossness for it to be side-splitting hilarious.  When Kid#1 was born, my elder cousins were scattered all around the globe in various colleges.  They all decided to come meet the “little man” at the same time.  Kid#1 was 6 months old when this happened.  They were fascinated by him, and also by me.  “Oyyyyyeeee, you look like a little lady” they would remark.  They were most impressed by the way I carried him around and handled him and also the diaper duties, even though they made the most gross jokes about it.  Most of all, the fact that I was suckling the baby freaked them out.  I was discrete about it and would turn my back to them or go into an empty room and lock the door.  OMG,  the jokes they cracked!  Their entire stock of jokes was about milk booths and production factories.  Over the weekend, they decided to irritate me by asking me to make tea at every given hour – oh wow! the tomboy could make tea.  Uff, I finally had enough and stamped my foot down and threatened to make them tea with my milk, and insisted that they be brave enough to drink it.  What was good for my baby was good for them.  They backed off!  Phew!

Oh!  Now I am at the peri-menopausal stage …. or as my brothers quip MEANO – PAUSE.  They aught to know better, my sister in laws have been giving them hell I guess with hot flushes and mood swings.  Today one of them sent me a link to this delightful musical with the caption “I know you’re growing old, heh, Celebrate the Change”.  Thanks Kanav Bhaiyya, thanks a lot.  Do you remember the day you opened your drawer and found a dead frog stinking of formaldehyde?  It wasn’t Neeraj Bhaiyya who put the frog there, it was me…… just to let you know.  You were so nasty about not letting me play marbles with the rest of you that day – so I just evened the score.  So what if I waited 30 or 35 whole years before ‘fessing up ?

Happy memories my dear, and happy Diwali 😛

I hear voices

Yeah, I shamelessly “got inspired” by the famous “I see dead people” line.

WARNING!!! THIS POST IS NOT FOR THE MEALY MOUTHED AND FAINT HEARTED

I love my children. I swear I do – even though I sometimes question my own sanity and also the wisdom of the three of us let loose on the world.  What was I thinking ?  Correction I wasn’t thinking, me and ex were making out like hot frisky bunnies – gotta love the teen harmones yeah!  In fact, when we declared our love to the world and families, when we got caught, my father nearly killed us both and demanded that we follow the following course of action

1. Stop seeing each other ….. we refused, the chemistry and lust were too strong

2. Pay more attention to our studies and none to ahem extra curricular activities …. are you kidding us? Impossible to do

3. (This was to me) Go abroad for my studies …. wiser and less angry people enlightened him to the total impossibility of his darling daughter walking the straight and narrow once she got on that airplane heh

4. Then he decided that we should get married (Yayyy, that meant PARTY to our raging harmones) with one condition – if I flunked or did not graduate, he would file charges against ex for getting his evil way with me (who was nearly 16 yrs old). 

Hunh???  That poor boy was only 19 any way, I guess both of us seduced each other …. But at that time, who cared.  We were getting married – which to our debauched minds equalled easy access to all sorts of activities that were more interesting than studies …..

Its another matter that I did study …. a lot, once the lust subsided

I really wasn’t thinking. 

Now the boys are 18 and 26 years old and their conversation is yuch!  I truly did spend a bomb on their education but ….

Kid#1 got his wings in Philippines and apparently they have a horrible graduation ceremony involving liquor and nudity.  They were discussing someone else’s graduation party

Kid#2 : Did that kid go naked under a sheet?

Me : Whaaaaat?

Kid#1 : Nah, that one’s a pussy

Me : Stepping right into it – I have blonde bimbette moments you see : This whole thing is a bit hard to swallow you know

Both of them : HA HA HA , no comments

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Kid#1 : Wanna go watch The Dark Knight?

Kid#2 : Yeah I love superhero movies.  I see them in my dreams

DIL : Which one

Kid#2 : Supergirl.  I dreamt that I was in Supergirl … drool

Kid#1 : Wear a bib kiddo, wear a bib ……………

Kid#2  : Where????

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Both boys are busy bashing each other up on the Xbox

DIL : Stop playing games and talk

Both boys : Give us 15 minutes

Half an hour later they are still at it

DIL : It is half an hour now …. stop it!!

Kid#1 : Blowing her a kiss : Yeah honey, just a min.

Kid#2 : (Taking advantage of the distraction) Gotcha!

and both of them getting busy on the game

Me butting in to pre-empt a big fight : You know, its family time.  Besides, you guys shouldnt play such violent games.

Kid#2 : Hahahaha Yeah we should play P O K E M O M

I flee

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I walk into the room, and there is a smell about it, look accusingly at Kid#2, the one who is normally the culprit

Me : Dude!

Kid#1 : Hahahahha

Kid#2 : With innocent smile : It wasnt me, swear.  Must be the dogs

Kid#1 : Rolling on the floor : hahahahaha

Kid#2 : Swear it wasnt me.  If it were me, I’d have been proud

Yeah we’re one helluva classy family

Shocked ya?

Remember you were warned in the beginning.

Also be glad, you aren’t related to them

Yup! Another boob post

I am famous.  I have talked about the G-spot, I have talked about cleavages in my blog, and guess what, I’ve become a porn rock star.  The post about the g-spot got over a thousand hits, and the one about cleavages might get to that score one day.  All that fancy education, graduation, post graduation, MBA did not get me the stardom that blogging about natural female assets got me!  My parents would be soooooo proud of me heh!  I am planning to get a pic of Pamela Anderson’s boobies as my chat picture and put the slogan under ’em, “Talk to them girls, I ain’t chatting” for the benefit of the google perverts.

I kid thee not, the google perverts have discovered this blog and are sending me proofs of their undying love for me.  LoverboyAmit91 writes “Your pretty hot mom. I Love MILF’s Can you send me some sexy picture of you?”. 

Sure why not? Please learn some grammar first, while I figure out what MILF is.

HeartbreakKid says ILUVU.  ur so f*cking hot. i wana lik ur boobys. merry me pleez or i shoot.

Aww HBK, I do love meeting WWE fans, but my boy friend would shoot you dead

The rest of you, your love floats my boat, but my diary is full and no date is possible.

HOWEVER, just to show that I love you right back, I am giving you all a gift

I know them girls arent her’s but they sure look good on her 🙂
😀
I hope HBK and Loverboy love her more and not flood my comments section
Edited to add : MILF means Mothers I’d like to F—-
Nice, really nice.  Thanks internet for completing my education

The power of the cleavage

This is a post my parents would not approve of – but they are not in this plane now.  This is also a post my sons wont approve of – but since I have a history of embarassing them, one more wont hurt them.  I told ya fellas, not to read Ma’s blog.  If you snoop, not my fault.

Women are getting thinner and thinner.  Soon we will be surrounded by girls who closely resemble – no, not their parents, but sketch pens.  I am a Punjaban who lives in Haryana and do like to see curvy women.  I strongly suspect that Kid#1 got floored by my DIL’s natural assets scintillating conversation and intelligence.  I do not understand this obsession for a size zero figure.  Being slim is good, being fit is excellent, but having mosquito bites for a chest is tragic.  Dont blame me, I have been watching Kareena Kapoor and other filmy types this weekend with my generously endowed BFF (best female friend), and we both agreed to the following

1. Men are necessary in one’s life

2. Getting men to behave like pussywhipped morons agree to you or jump when you want them to help you is tough.

3. The best option is to dazzle them with a cleavage show, and voila – problem solved.

When I was in college, I was terribly short of attendance, marriage and baby ensured that.  So I did what any girl in my situation would do – whine.  One of my best male friends was gay, and I am deeply indebted to him for my clothes sense and also for his ability to simplify the opposite sex for me.  Oh he also taught me to be feminine and not the tomboy I was born as.  He got tired of my whining and simply took me aside and tutored me on the womanly art of flirting.  Sebastian, my love, what you taught me has worked for me time and again.  It ranks way up there and is as useful as breathing.

Seb : Girl what you need is a padded push up bra and a low neck Tee

Me : Why

Seb : (with eye roll) You want attendance?

Me : Yeah, I need to pass otherwise my Dad will file case against hubby.  My kid will be having a jailbird for a father.

Seb : Why do you Literature types love drama so much?  Just do what I tell you. Duh!

Me : (doubtfully) Ohkay ….

Seb : What okay … lets go shopping

So we went shopping and picked up a orange Tshirt that my mother would’ve burnt and a black bra to wear under it.  Then he taught me the subtle art of bending just enough to show a bit of cleavage and bra while talking.  When he decided I had got the trick, we went to the attendance clerk, where I pleaded my case leaning over his desk, while Seb and two others added their words to my plea.  I got my attendance and I learnt a valuable lesson. 

I dont think Size zero babes can make such an impact.