Divorce – a thorny path

I read Nimmy’s blog ,   “How easy is it to undergo a divorce?”  With due respect to Nimmy, I have big problems with the title of the blog entry – divorce never is and never will be easy – any where in the world.  It is hard, it is painful and it is lonely.  Brittney Spears had a tough time getting one, Madonna paid wagonloads of money to get hers, and these are women of stature and substance.  Men have it equally hard.  It costs, in terms of emotion, in terms of loss, in terms of stability and also financially.

Let us be practical here.  To get a divorce there are certain things I had to do:

• Admit that there is something wrong.  The love has turned into ashes or that the relationship has become toxic.  It hurts and shakes you up.  My self confidence was down in the ditches
• Do something about it – try to rebuild the love, try to make the marriage work, use every avenue, every leverage –  parents, in-laws, siblings, friends – yes even the kids to help kickstart the marriage.  It worked for a while – but when the centre does not hold – peripherals dont work
• Admit defeat and go into depression – I did that.  Hoo boy – was I drama queen or what?  I wept, I moped, I wandered around like a Main Bechari.
• Do something about it – this involved divorce.  I frankly did not have the guts.  My marriage lasted eighteen long years.  My life was in shambles and the price I paid in terms of self worth and the psychological impact it had on my elder son was very expensive.

Is it easy?  No it is not.  I never re-married.  It was not for lack of choice.  I simply can not and will not hand over the controls of my life and my happiness into some one else’s whimsical hands.  I am too traumatised and scared to do that.  That is the biggest price I have paid.  I watched my son become a problem kid.  I watched him get into fights and get into bad and violent company.  His parents were too busy settling scores with each other.  One day, he was just a kid,  he came and asked me if I would protect him if he did something really wrong like sell drugs or kill someone.  That got me out of my “self pity stupor” and forced me to act, if not for myself – at least for the sake of my children.  I walked out of my marriage.  It never was easy.  I had to rebuild life – starting with roof over my head to gas connection to furniture etc etc.

The important thing here is that one has to accept that I am in this alone. Parents are old and do not want the added responsibility of a daughter with children and legal issues.  They have married off their daughter and would prefer that she stays that way.  Friends dont want to be involved, and if they are, they hate taking sides.  So you lose your friends.  Relatives would love to gossip and if they do talk to you, they are gathering masala to fuel the gossip fires.

This is a male dominated society with laws that are skewed totally to favour the woman.  I know you are having a WTF moment here.  Bear with me.  All the laws are so designed that they give all the breaks to the woman.  The entire neighbourhood, the cops, the lawyers are products of a society that would love to favour the man.  It leads to total confusion.  In my case, this led to years and years of legal procedures.  We called it quits when one son was 10 and the other was two, were declared seperated when my elder son was 15 and younger son was 7.  We were formally divorced when my elder one was 19 and younger one was 11.

My ex wanted the divorce but did not want to come to court or get caught in the alimony and compensation web.  So he stayed out of it.  Ultimately he was declared “absconding and untraceable’ and that is what is written on the divorce papers.

You know what we did that day?  Me and the boys went out and celebrated.  We got royally drunk and ate too much!  It was such a relief.   Then I rang up ex and told him it was over.  He was relieved too.  He had remarried six months after we had broken up – yeah, when the kids were 10 and 2 years old.  His wife was giving him hell about the legal thingy.  I dont grudge him that.  I could have done the same – he could not have objected, since he was sailing in the same boat.  The choice to remain single was mine.

It is not easy to get a divorce.  It is not easy to live the life of a divorcee – where people think you are easy and available.  It is not easy to raise kids as a single parent.  But it is harder on a person to stay in a marriage which has ended.  I dont put any value on legal papers so to say.  Ex married six months after we seperated.  That does not mean his marriage is not valid.  It is more valid than ours was while the case was being fought.

Marriage is a partnership and I think it becomes null and void the day its basic tenets of love, trust and mutually shared goals is compromised.  After that one is living a lie.  The children living with such parents are also affected.  I look at my kids today with pride.  They are positive, responsible, well behaved and loving.  We have lived a good life.

No one said life would be easy – especially after the divorce.  The only thing that kept me going was the thought that “Why the hell should a 30 year old pay the price for a mistake she committed at age 17?”  It has been one hell of a ride – but damn it, it has been eventful and totally worth it.

Anticipatory Retirement Blues

What can I say, here I was, walking the air nicely like the cartoon network character I talk about when I came upon this post and plummetted downwards AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE.  I am totally freaked out – am reminded of ex’s caustic remark when I was home for a long period on maternity leave.  He told me ever so sweetly “Get yourself a job – any job.  Dammit I’ll pay your employer salary to keep you busy”.  All I did was clean his cupboard and give away all his old clothes.  Oh yeah, I also fumigated the entire house, cleaned the kitchen etc etc.  The thing is – I’ve got to keep busy.  I can not sit and do nothing at a stretch.  It makes me bitchy and temperamental.  I also like earning money (who doesnt heh!) and being independent. 

I think that this so-called retirement concept is total bullshit.  A mother never retires and neither does a housewife – and they do more laborious stuff than a normal office worker.  Even actors dont retire, they become Moms and Dads and such like stuff.  So why should we? 

In our culture, age is respected.  Greying hair and daughter in laws/grandchildren give us the aura of wisdom (never mind if we colour our hair and go ahead and blog about boobs and wrestling heh!) I feel that we should be given a chance to work until we are ready to call quits.  Of course I have no retirement plans or funds (I never plan) though I have a vague idea of packing bags and baggage and moving to Punjab or Kasauli or someplace cheaper and more friendly than the NCR.

I have seen how the elderly live in the NCR.  Its a lonely life and its boring.  Get up early, go for a walk, bring milk for the family.  Then go to the temple, spend time there, come back with vegetables from the vendor.  Then sit and read the newspaper, watch television, while away time.  Then its lunch.  After lunch, take a nap, wake up and spend time with grandchildren (if the grandchild is in the mood to spend time with you), then evening walk in the park, come back home.  More television and then sleep.  I guess it would kill me, if retirement did not.  I think life in a smaller town or a village would be better – where life is slow and people are more approachable.

I am not even talking about money – I have this belief that if you are educated, you can look after your own needs.  No one ever could make enough to fulfill the greeds any way – so why get into that.  It is things like the fear of being redundant, being irrelevant and lonely that are scaring me.  For many years, I have been at the helm, both at office and at home and this is a feeling that is new to me.

I would welcome inputs from others reading this blog …… what does one do when your employer thinks that you are old and do not have to work, and your family has grown up and does not need you?  How is one to cope with being sidelined after being on centrestage for such a long time?

What Price Parenting?

This is not a politically correct post – but then I am a politically incorrect person who has lived a topsy turvy life – so you can’t expect me to be prim and proper, and only talk about socially accepted issues.

I got a call yesterday from a friend of mine and we talked late into the night.  This lady has grown up children and a husband …. and she was depressed because her mother was coming to live with her for a week.  She is uncomfortable because her mother has always shown her disapproval of the kind of person this lady is.  Now, this lady is over 45 years of age, well educated, has a good career and has raised and educated her children who are decent kids.

A very young colleague of mine was widowed last year.  She moved in with her parents (which I had thought was a big mistake) and now hates her mother completely.  Her mother finds fault with everything she does, and then snoops into her cellphone, mail box and even her accounts.  She has bought herself a flat and is planning to shift during Dussehra.  Her parents are fuming because they hate the idea of a 30 year old woman living alone with her children.

The closest bond in a family is perhaps the mother and daughter bond. A bittersweet relationship, it goes through many ups and downs but you know that no matter how much you fight, when you have to face the world, you will be one!  Some mothers and daughters like me are not so lucky though. They end up with strained relationships, which either get resolved years later or never at all!

Mothers are very critical of their daughters and tend to be relaxed and easy going with their sons.  My mother would criticise my cooking, my weight, my choice in clothes, the way I talked, sat and walked.  She would openly talk about the bad choices I made in life (given the life I’ve lived, I sure made it easy for her heh!) with every one including my sons, colleagues, friends and even my maid.  We were at war most of the time with a bit of uneasy truce thrown in.  At first she gave me hell for getting married (she was absolutely right).  She blessed us only when I was smart enough(?) to have a son.  Dont ask me, I still havent understood how my brain got involved in the process.  Humph.  Any way ….. and then she gave me hell for my divorce.  She pushed/cajoled/bulied me and ex into having the second baby, knowing fully well that the marriage was breaking up.  She used tears …. we had lost a young boy (my brother) and we needed more family members etc etc.  Afterwards she blamed me for having two kids and then leaving them to go and work.  I had to – who would feed them?  She lived with me for the last 12 years of her life, in which I supported/funded … whatever ……. and she was never grateful or even decent about it.  It hurt her ego as a parent to acknowledge that her daughter could be capable of supporting a family.  Especially the daughter who, in her opinion, was a disaster.  Her basic tragedy was that her son died and her daughter lived.  She said it very openly in the first few months after my brother’s death … and then showed it in countless petty ways later.  I guess she would have been able to make her son dance to her whims – her daughter she never understood or approved of, and so could not manipulate.  Bullying never worked with me ever ….

Why is it that some parents do not realise that the umblical cord is cut at birth.  The child you give birth to is not a mindless clone or puppet to ape you or dance to your tune.  He/she is another person with ideas, dreams, drives that can be very different from yours.  Why is it that some parents never realise that all the child actually needs is parental approval of his/her worth as a person and unconditional love and understanding.  Some parents withhold their approval of the major decisions in their childrens’ lives i.e. the choice of career and the choice of mate.  Many young people do get married or pursue their chosen path inspite of all that.  It creates such a big wedge in the relationship.  Who ever gave parents the idea that they own their children dammit?  We are at the best guardians, and at the least caretakers of these young people who share their lives with us.  We as parents are blessed to have these young people sharing their energetic and vibrant selves with us for a part of their lives. 

Dont get me wrong, my mother was a very nice lady.  She was an excellent home maker, great cook, a very affectionate and caring grandmother and had tremendous leadership qualities.  In another age, she would have been upper management in some corporate set up.  Her problem was that she never realised that I was not her clone and would never be so.  She also could not accept the fact that women can live a perfectly respectable and healthy life without a husband and that divorce does not automatically make a woman cheap.

There was a movie starring Rekha called Khoobsurat.  The mother (Dina Pathak) in that movie reminded me of my mother.

For Dony, on Raksha Bandhan

He was exactly 361 days younger than me. He was the apple of my mother’s eye. He was the SON in our typically Punjabi family, the heir, the prince. He was the person on whom I practiced my skills of bossing over hapless males. When we were little kids, he was the one who would follow me around, and get blamed for most of the breakages in the house. I being a girl would not be suspected. He would pull the dog’s tail, but would also share his meal with the pet. He would sit for long hours on the steps of our home, telling fantastically wild tales to the dog, and the dog would look at him adoringly and swallow each one of them hook line and sinker. He also blinded my dolls and pulled out their eyelashes. Oh no, I did not mind it, I hated dolls and loved books. Once he threw my Enid Blyton into the pond, and I knocked him over and sat on him beating him up.

When we grew up, he hated all the boys who would befriend me, and would mimic them mercilessly. He grew stronger and larger, and it became harder to beat the hell out of him. He was the only one in my family who could carry a tune. He had an awesome sense of humour and a ready answer for anything. He was also someone who attracted trouble and accidents. That never seemed to quench his spirit. When he met with an accident and we weren’t sure that his eye would be okay, he put a patch over the eye, picked up a bottle of Old Monk and limped on his fractured foot and said he was the Pirate from Treasure Island. He would encourage us to make jokes about his being accident prone. He was my very handsome younger brother.

When he was 23 years old, the joke turned sour. That accident was his last one. They brought his body back, lifeless. My elder son kept nudging him and asking him to wake up. It was the first time I was faced with death, and was devastated. There would be more in the coming years – but this was the first, and it was something I took personally. I was angry with Death and with God. It took me a long time to recover. I think my mother never did. My father went from being a participant in the game of life to a spectator.

I have never talked about this, never written about it … but there is something about blogging – it makes one open up. So this Raksha Bandhan, I hope and pray for you, my sweet younger brother because I am sure that you are reincarnated somewhere. Where-ever you are – may you have the happy and long life that you were cheated of in the time you lived with us.

No one can hurt you more than your teenager

Nothing, truly nothing hurts a parent more than their spawn. All of my sons’ friends think that I am the coolest Mom ever …. and they wish that their parents had even a fraction of my “chilled out and cool attitude” (their words, not mine) and here I have kids who don’t even want to spend time with me and don’t think that I am fun. I don’t get it. Kid #1 would rather meet his friends somewhere far away from home. He and DIL will go out, and then come back late into the night. Kid#2 is actually embarrassed about me. I don’t behave like other Moms, and I use language that is similar to theirs, watch their kind of movies and listen to their kind of music. His friends like my company – which embarrasses him. Go figure that one out. It is weird. Reminded me of that Bon Jovi song which was so popular “Shot through the Heart”

So I did my research {thank you Googleji} and found out that this is normal. It is called fouling up the nest. Can you imagine, there is actually a term for this!!! Apparently kids are growing up and want to leave but since they are very close to the parents, they need to create increased levels of conflict that can provide a propellant, without which maybe many youngsters might find it difficult to leave. The entire article is very illuminating and can be read here.

 

I really have to show off my link making capabilities (:))

The irony of being a Mother In Law

Sunny Days: Survival Guide for Daughters-in-Law

While blog hopping I came across this heartfelt post of a very young daughter in law which really resonated within me. I married the only child of a super possessive mother and that was one major hurdle to our happily ever after …. but this is not what this post is about. Ex is happy elsewhere – thank goodness and I am happy being mother and single. I never got suckered into becoming wife again. In my youth I would have probably not been so adjusting and have written something like this lady has

Mamma of Twins: The Missing Counsel

Now I am looking at relationships from a different perspective – I am a mother in law. DIL is a delight, fun to be with. I like what women have become these days – confident, witty and with the ability to be straightforward. She is new to the idea of being DIL and as a mother in law, I think I suck big time!!! Even the internet does not have answers for How to be a Mother-in-law. Go ahead – google for it and you will know. You even have anonymous groups called “I Hate my Mother in Law” for godsakes!!!!

So here is a survival guide for mother in laws – totally based on my experience

1. Every girl is cautioned that Mother in Law is not a mother, the same applies both ways you know, daughter in laws are not daughters.
2. Do not ever try to guide your daughter in law in the same manner as you guide your children, she will interpret it as criticism of her taste/her intellectual ability/her capability and you are left thinking WTF, I never meant that!!!!
3. Remember always that she left her home and family to come live in your home. Its tough and lonely. It will take time for her to adapt to your ways. Remember your days, when you did not even have the option of speaking your mind out.
4. Do not expect your son to take sides with either you or with her. Remember how useless your hubby was when you complained about his mother???? Men avoid “Women’s fights” like the plague and deal with it by surfing the net or having a beer with male friends watching sports, hoping that the issue disappears.
5. Keep your individuality and allow her to retain hers. You are way to old to change anyway. She is what she is, and your son loves her the way she is. So if you try to bully/dominate her, it will make both your son and her hate you. Your son might forgive you later, she never will.
6. If your son and daughter in law are fighting, do not take sides. They will make up and your role will make you the villian. Why, they will perhaps blame you as the instigator of the fight.
7. When you are mad with her – for any reason, apply the DAUGHTER TEST. Just take time out to think how you would react if your daughter were doing the same thing. Chances are that you would take a more lenient view to the issue in question.
8. Do not expect her to dress a certain way or to eat certain stuff just because it is traditional. Traditions are values which is pretty solid stuff – not the outer covering. Your son has been raised by you and has imbibed your values. The girl of his choice will have similar values.
9. As and when they decide to live away from you, let them go with a smile. I would also add, ask them to make out a list of the stuff they need – you know basics to start their own home. There is plenty lying in your own home that you dont need – like dishes, cookers, chesters. You can ask them to take these things with them. They will do for them as starters and they will be grateful too.  And you have less stuff to maintain.
10. You have handed over your son to his wife.  She is his first priority – not you.  So chill okay.  If he spends more time with her, dont sulk.  If they do want to go out with you or spend time with you, they would come and be with you.  Its their zamana, not yours.  Plus at this age, you would not survive their pace, their food, their loud music.  Notice I said “their” They are a team now, you are the bystander.  Accept it.
11. Lastly and most importantly ….. Be nice to the girl your son brings home – remember that she is the one who will be around when you are old and frail. Also she is the mother of the grandchildren you hope to pamper.

Empty Nest Syndrome

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -Joseph Campbell

Empty Nest hit me when I was not looking. It socked me in the heart and I am still hurting. First change happened when Kid #1 fell in love and got married. I was over the moon. Sure they were a bit young, but having a daughter in the house was something I so looked forward to. Boys are great, but then girls are better. Having someone to talk to me about make-up, fashion and even the colour of the curtains is great. I was so enamoured by the novelty of having a girl in the house, that I did not realize that my boy had changed. Then Kid #1 enrolled into Flight School in Philippines. It never occurred to me that this was the big change. He went as my darling boy, came back a young man. Even his marriage had not changed my perception of him as “My Baby”. Kids are lovely once they are toilet trained and dont need a 2 am bottle, and then they become adolescent horrors with harmonal overdrives that drive you crazy. Just when you start enjoying your kids as adults, who are absolutely fun to hang out with, they go away. I dont mean as physically away, but mentally and emotionally they sure do. I think most of the letting go has to happen while you are re-negotiating your relationship with your kid. He is twenty three years old, I really need to stop being Mother Hen. Picture this scenario …….. He opens the fridge and stares at it blankly, I rush in full of maternal need to feed him a hot meal and cluck around him. He gives me “the look”. I retreat in total confusion.

I know this is absolutely a small thing. The fact is that I leave home early in the morning and reach home around 7 p.m. I have done this since he was eight years old. He knows how to heat up a meal, and at 23 years of age, he knows how to operate the microwave for godssake!!!! Of late, the “roll eyes” and “the look” have become quite common. Phew!!! Here I thought I was a laid back Mom with zillions of other things to do in life. All right kiddo, I am getting the message “Mom, Leave me alone!” 🙂

Kid No. 2 has got out of school this year, and is busy preparing for entrances. He will push off to college within a couple of months. Hopefully, I will be better prepared for the changes it brings in the boys.

One thing is for certain, the house will be clean, no loud music, food bills will be down, and so will the utility bills. I will be able to watch hindi music channels on t.v., and go to bed at a decent hour. I am sure, I’ll enjoy doing all the things I want to do in life … read, write, travel (once Kid#1 gets his pilot’s licence and Kid #2 gets through college), I just got to hang in there with a smile even though poor me is lost, confused and bewildered.